Vacation

Part of getting to be the husband my wife wants me to be means changing how I act on vacation.  Turns out that there are big differences in our entire approach for vacation.  She's a beach gal and I'm more of a ski guy.  What's more, I'm a little Type A, so I have some difficulty getting to relax even on vacation. Driving in a strange place makes me cranky.  In fact we've had some of our worst fights when we've gotten lost on vacation. And for some reason I haven't figured out yet we always seem to have at least one bad fight per vacation whether I drive or not.

I haven't posted in nearly a week because we've just been on one such vacation in Montreal.  The vacation was wonderful, but we had one day that went really badly in the morning and then again in the evening.  The arguments started the instant my wife sensed a "huffiness" to my tone.  Once she picks that up, it's all over.  So the key for me to avoiding these arguments is to avoid that tone.  The problem is that sometimes I'm totally unable to control my tone. This has been a part of me that she's had to live with, and I'm trying to see if I can change. 99% of the time I'm just fine, but it's that 1% that really spoils it for her.

I have made some progress at learning to relax when on vacation.  I really HAD to do that because she threatened that she would not go on vacation with me any more if I couldn't relax.  I just couldn't bare not going on vacation with her.  Here's some things that may have helped:

1. I think the invention of the GPS saved our marriage.  No more arguments over getting lost!
2. I think I need to avoid driving in a strange city if possible.  It's too hard to find good parking spots while thinking about how much I love my wife.  I just don't have that much concentration.
3. We shouldn't be afraid to split up once and a while while on vacation.  Most of the time we're together, but there may be strenuous activities that I would like to participate while she does something else.  This could also mean an occasional separate vacation although I would hope that the separate time would amount to only a small portion of our total vacation time.

Becoming a better vacation partner is very much a work in progress for me.  I am better, but I have some work to do here.  This is one of the hardest things for me to change because it involves changing who I am as much as what I do.

Frame of Mind

There is really no way to win over your wife if you're annoyed with her.  She'll sense it, and the two of you will soon start arguing.  I find that this is why it's so important to set your frame of mind to prevent a cycle of resentment.  Here's a nice illustration:

My wife makes herself oatmeal in the morning - not just any oatmeal. She makes the kind of steel-cut oatmeal that takes 45 minutes to cook on the stove and doubles as mortar for bricks.  I mean this stuff is NASTY hard to scrape from the pot you cook it in.  Because she's so busy, she often forgets or doesn't have time to clean the pot leaving the task for yours truly.  I suspect that in many marriages, this might be a source of friction.  In fact, I remember often asking her to clean her pot in a frustrated tone.

And then one day, I saw her dirty oatmeal pot in the sink, and started scrubbing.  I was halfway through the task, and I noticed that I didn't feel the least bit annoyed at having to clean her pot.  In fact, I was kind of enjoying it.  How could this be?  I finally realized why I took pleasure in this task.  It was because it reminded me that I get to live with her. To this day, I happily jump on her oatmeal pot as soon as I see it and think about her as I clean.

In general, I find the "I get to live with her" mantra extremely useful anytime I do something for her - especially if it requires considerable effort. Of course this only works if you are excited about living with your wife.  But then, if you're not, you probably wouldn't be trying to win her over now would you?
 

Assumption of Duties to Attract Your Wife

When our kids were toddlers, my wife and I had a very traditional marriage.  I had a full-time job, and my wife took care of the house and kids.  Admittedly, societal expectations had some influence on our organizational structure, but it also seemed like the most efficient use of resources.  I could earn a pretty good living as a hot-shot scientist but needed an hour to cook Minute Rice®.  Conversely, my wife could put Martha Stewart's domestic skills to shame, but didn't quite have her earning potential.

Once our youngest started preschool and my wife started a Master's degree, I quickly saw that we needed to change who did what. There was no way for her to keep taking care of the kids and all of the cooking and cleaning while studying for school.  There were two easy things I could do immediately to enable her education.

First, I could take over the laundry.  I had no excuse for not doing the laundry.  Certainly I was capable of doing my own before enslaving my wife. I do not remember announcing my laundry coup. It did not require authorization.  Before the Nike campaign started, I just did it, and my wife never complained.  In fact she claimed there was something slightly stimulating about my stacking her underwear in her drawer. OK! I could see this was having the desired effect.  And she had more time to hit the books.

Second, the weekend and evenings became my time to keep the kids away from mommy so she could get her school work done.  This was a natural job for me.  I'm still a little bit of a kid, so it wasn't hard to think of things to do.  Bike rides, Chuck E Cheese, ski trips, and Indian Guides kept all of us happy.  I got pleasure from driving away from our house with the kids in the car and seeing my wife fist pump in my rear view mirror.

My wife tells me that most women melt at men who are good with their kids. Empirically, I don't think my taking the kids for the weekend elicited this type of reaction from my wife in any way I could notice.  As marriage roles have evolved, housebound husbands or wives have come to expect concentrated weekend support from their non-housebound spouse. In my case, I suspect that not providing this much-needed support would have evoked resentment. However, I suspect my wife's comment does apply to the single mother considering the father-worthiness of a potential suitor. So pay attention all you guys trying to win the affections of a single mother.  My wife is usually right about these things.

Why Does She Make Me Feel Like This?

Not only am I not normal, I'm also not very self-aware.  I don't always know why I feel the way I feel.  Perhaps this blog is a tool to help me with my self-analysis. Why do I find my wife so irresistible? I've asked myself this often and have found that the easiest way to think about it is that I just do.  In every sense I do. I melt in her eyes.  She literally and often takes my breath away.

I can be certain that my physical attraction for her is not the only cause for my obsession.  This is because she is even more beautiful to me than to other people.  If I look at her objectively and try to forget who she is, I'd say she's a 7*.  But because I love her, I see nothing but 10, not the other way around. The 3-point rating inflation comes from my biased perception of the intangible.  It's what you can't see that makes her physical appearance striking enough to consistently raise my pulse.  It's her creativity that makes her movements so graceful, her intelligence that makes her light eyes change color to match what she's wearing, and her determination that keeps her curls so feminine. None of this is visible to the stranger on the train.  He simply sees a very pretty woman. But it screams at me because I know just how fantastic she is.

Most importantly I love her not because of some distant memory of what it was like when we were first married, but because of whom she has become.  She has continuously self-improved.  She has taught me to be supportive of her education and profession and has grown to be the woman she always knew she could be - a woman far more attractive than the one I married twenty-four years ago.

I had no idea whom I was marrying at the time.  That's why people are nervous before they marry.  That's why half of marriages end in divorce.  If you think any newlywed knows better, you're a fool.  Had I known whom I was marrying, I would not have been nervous - only impatient.

*I'm a 5.

The Central Issue

I know I'm not a normal man. In fact, I've never met anyone like me.  Perhaps others like me exist. Perhaps you are like me. If you are, you've been married for 24 years and never gotten over your spouse. You know the feeling you get when you're first dating someone?  The anticipation of going out on a date, the excitement when you pick him/her up, the down time when you sneak a quiet look at your date and think WOW! I feel like this every time I merely think of my wife.  And for the last 24 years, it's only gotten "worse."

Now my wife is normal. She loves me but doesn't focus on it much. Sometimes I get on her nerves. She finds my affection a bit intense, even suffocating. She wants me to tone it down. Give her some space. Stop being such a little puppy dog.  So I try my best to be the husband she wants.

Like when she requested that I tell her no more than once per week how beautiful she is.  With some restraint I was able to comply, and this pleased her.  But if simply curbing my praise could make her happy, could an insult make her ecstatic? Recently I decided to find out by telling her she looked like a piece of shit. She instantly followed my logic which simultaneously amused and touched her.

But there must be other ways to modify my behavior to be the husband she wants and therefore the husband I want to be. What would it take? How should I change?

There are a number of things every woman wants, and I'd be willing to try any that are humanly possible.  I can't become taller, more handsome, or grow my hair back. She's assured me that my looks are not that much of a problem for her anyway. I could have more money, but fortunately we both make decent livings - I as a scientist and she as a designer. Money is not something that we ever argue about, so I don't think having more will make our marriage better.  But I can do laundry, cook, clean, grocery shop, empty trash, take care of the cars, kids and cat. I can refrain from making a dirty comment or even hold in a fart or two.

I know I can't turn her into a freak like me, but maybe I can force the woman of my dreams to remember to love me.